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my finest hour

EpicFailTryHardEpicFailTryHard Member Posts: 1,316
another story.  this one is mostly true.  what parts?  i dare not say.

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a while back i was starting a new job, so when i felt the tell-tale signs of being visited by a most heinous scent from my nether region, I couldn't help but feel quite apprehensive about how to proceed.  i had long ago established a reputation for provoking reactions tantamount to a response to a personal attack. my vision of enlightening any occasion with such vapors was not often shared.  sensing that my immediate supervisor was far enough away for me to be safe, i let loose so to speak. 

approximately 30 seconds later I saw her going to the phone in my peripheral vision.  she was making a call to the maintenance man to come check something out.  i paid this no mind and was feeling rather safe and confident by this point, so i began to fill the air.   i produced my most prodigious offering (silent, yet quite potent) when i nearly jumped out of my skin as i heard a voice directly behind me.  can you smell that?" she asked the maintenance man.   "yeah, something is not right." he said. 

i couldn't help but turn around, in fear they were both staring at me and fully aware of what the true bedevilment was.  they weren't (thank God) but both had faces of dire concern. having long been a practitioner of the arts of evasion when it came to such matters (i had once convinced an entire church pew the pungent stench that could only beg the question "who farted?", was eminating from the elderly woman just in front of us.)  i pretended to not even notice anything was out of the ordinary. i was able to abstain for just a couple more minutes. i tried to wait until my break time but it was not to be.  the intensity of the great and terrible wind brought tears to my eyes and left me havoc struck.  it had lifted me a full inch off my seat with it's intensity.  i was then worried about my ability to withstand it's presence.  it was truly just too much.  this morbid truth was reinforced by the sounds of violent retching in the cubicle next to mine.

break time.  i did a speed walk for the exit.  being ever so careful to pretend not to notice the crying female co-worker i slithered past.  before I could make my desperate evacuation, I passed two maintenance men.  they were both looking at a hole on the ceiling with a flashlight.  bug-eyed as though staring into some harrowing abyss one stated to the other, "i don't know what's up there but i think it's dead.  i can't imagine any living creature being responsible for that."

to date, i have not dared return.

Comments

  • ChesterTheMolesterChesterTheMolester Member Posts: 2,771
    edited July 2018
    Once I was at my new job and after having left the office of my supervisor i ran past his pug, i farted next to it so viciously that the pug threw up. A minute later the supervisor freaked out, picked him up and drove to the Vet. He never found out what happened.


    Post edited by ChesterTheMolester on
  • EpicFailTryHardEpicFailTryHard Member Posts: 1,316
    lmao.  i love stories like that, chester.  thank you.
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